WWe live in troubled times. The internet has reduced us all to thousands of ultra-specific tribes, all of whom sit in angry and staunch opposition to one another. In the worst case, it seems that humanity will never be able to agree on anything again. But this week, a miracle happened. Two photographs were published on the internet; two photographs that instantly united the entire world in a universally agreed opinion. And that opinion is this: The Barbie movie looks pretty good.
Although that was already the consensus, since it will be led by Greta Gerwig from a script he co-wrote with Noah Baumbach, the photos of the two leads leave it beyond doubt. Margot Robbie, who plays Barbie, is instantly as Barbie-esque as you can imagine, all blonde hair and smiles and a bright pink car. Her Barbie looks like a Sharon Tate version of Robbie, or Robbie’s character from The Wolf of Wall Street. The casting is perfect.
And then there’s ryan gosling. Gosling will play Ken in Barbie and, again, it’s a role he was born to play. His hair is bleached peroxide blonde, like in The Place Beyond the Pines. His abs and arms are on full display, just like in Crazy, Stupid, Love. He has a deadpan and impenetrable facial expression, like the one he had in most of that Blade Runner movie. He adds his outfit, which, apart from the underwear, is made entirely of stonewashed denim, and there’s a strong possibility that this will be his defining role.
The casting is so perfect, in fact, that this might require a rethink when it comes to movie adaptations of toy franchises. Until now, the instinct has largely been to drown everyone in incoherent CGI muck (Transformers) or simply pick the nearest A-list, regardless of their suitability for the role (The Rock in GI Joe: Retaliation).
So let’s start now. Given the internet-shattering power of Gosling and Robbie Barbie photos, the smartest thing we can do is attach the following stars to these yet-to-be-made toy movies as quickly as possible.
For a while, Barbie missed the beat of the Bratz dolls; a range of tacky and awkwardly sexualized fashion dolls. There was an attempt in 2007 to make a Bratz movie, but the movie fell through for all sorts of reasons, mostly because the stars weren’t (and still aren’t) famous enough. If Bratz is going to be successful at the box office, it needs leads who, like the dolls, have been neglected and neglected since their heyday in the early 2000s. This is why it needs to star Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Tara Reid.
A perennial favorite, thanks to his gel-filled limbs, Stretch Armstrong has yet to be translated into film. However, God knows Hollywood has tried to cast Tim Allen, Taylor Lautner and Danny DeVito in various ways in multiple failed adaptations. The problem, you suspect, is that they haven’t found the right Stretch yet. Stretch Armstrong is blond and rough, friendly but athletic. It takes a very special person to play him, so I’d suggest literally any Hollywood actor named Chris.
Strawberry Shortcake was a very popular greeting card mascot that became a toy sensation in the 1980s. Although it still exists as an ongoing IP, most recently in Netflix’s animated film Strawberry Shortcake: Berry in the Big City , has yet to get the full Barbie treatment. This would be best achieved by putting Emma Stone in a big hat and letting her do whatever she wants.
Readers of a certain age will remember Sindy as Barbie’s British rival. Less famous and slightly inferior to her American counterpart, Sindy nonetheless drew the ire of Barbie’s creators, Mattel, who promptly filed a copyright infringement lawsuit against its makers for allegedly ripping off their most well-known creation. As such, it seems only fair that a Sindy movie would star Robbie after a botched round of cosmetic surgery and several catastrophic dental procedures.
In fact, a Masters of the Universe movie is in the works, and will begin filming next year. The protagonist has already been chosen and He-Man will be played by Kyle Allen from West Side Story. But this feels like a mistake. Judging by all the photos of Allen online, he seems too young and meek to play the defender of Eternia. Instead, we need someone a little older, with bleached blonde hair and wavy abs and a skin tone that just falls short of radioactivity. That’s right, He-Man should be played by Ken from the Barbie movie: Ryan Gosling.